Artist Statement

I’ll start by describing who I am. I’m a twenty-six-year-old cis-gender woman with shoulder-length brown hair and brown eyes. I am thin and stand at about 5’5”, although my height depends on how much sleep I get and how much water I drink.

My choreographic process is influenced by the people in my life. I explore the relationships in my present and past through choreography. 

I want to explain why 23 is my favorite number. It was the number they gave me at the audition for the Joffrey Children’s Cast of The Nutcracker. The audition was held at their old studios. I think the year was 2006. I was nine, and I wasn’t on pointe yet. I was training at Ballet Chicago, and ended up getting my first pair the following summer, when I was 11. Anyway, I remember that audition because they told everyone at the end whether it was a yes or a no in a very dramatic way. I only checked my number once, chin to my chest; I saw the upside down 23 looping up towards me. It looked like a swing set from this angle. I kept repeating my number over and over in my head, in time with the woman calling out numbers. My number wasn’t called. Did I miss it? No, I was listening so intently there’s no way that I missed it. 

After they dismissed some auditioners, they told us that we got in. They told us that we did a great job and that we should be proud of ourselves. They did not tell us that we would probably fit into the costumes. We all scrambled out to meet our parents in the hallway. My mom brought me to the audition. I couldn’t wait to tell her everything. The studios were a maze of rooms all connected by one long hallway. 

I think one of my biggest fears is memory loss. Stories make me feel good and I want so badly to be good at telling them. The body connection to trauma provides lots of information. The physiological effects. 

I spent the past two years fretting over my impatience. Now, I think instead about having a lot of time. This dissipates the impatience. At times, thinking can counteract feeling. It’s really important to test my limits. If I can stop myself, then I am alive. If I can make choices, then I am alive. I love being able to see what time it is. I am addicted to feelings. For a long time, I was experiencing withdrawal from connecting. One of my favorite memories is picking out things that match. Since I was little, I have always loved matching games. And I Spy. It’s a special skill I have, special eyes, eyes for details, eyes for hide and seek. And a brain for misdirection. My choreographic process reflects these experiences: I foreground finding connections. 

I like playfulness, and I love making people feel safe, and I am deeply committed to the idea of accountability. I am deeply committed to learning. I think it’s an honor to witness people growing. Sometimes I wish I could change my perspective at will. It’s never really been like that for me, though. It’s more spontaneous, when my perspective changes. It’s a surprise, a pleasant surprise. Clarity is a gift. Precision is a gift.

I define beauty as positivity, joy, light, depth, and warmth. Other things too: beauty can fill in tiny cracks if it needs too. Beauty is resilient, although fragility can be beautiful. My choreographic process will be beautiful and we will take our time.